Conflict
Nichole Farrow
24 February 2026
5 min read
John Gottman found that roughly 69% of what couples argue about doesn't have a solution. It's a difference in personality, values, or preference that isn't going away. The couples who do well aren't the ones who solve it.
John Gottman has spent decades studying couples in his lab, tracking their conversations, their physiological responses, their body language. One of his most replicated and counterintuitive findings: roughly 69% of what couples argue about doesn't have a solution. It's a difference in personality, values, or preference that isn't going away.
These are called perpetual problems. Not solvable problems, those exist too, and can be resolved through compromise or problem-solving. Perpetual problems are structural. One of you wants more social life; the other wants more quiet. One is a spender; one is a saver. One prioritises adventure; one prioritises security. These differences don't go away when you argue about them. They just go underground.
The couples who struggle aren't the ones with more perpetual problems. They're the ones who become gridlocked on them. Gridlock is the point at which a perpetual problem stops being a difference you can discuss and becomes a wound you can't touch. Both people have stopped feeling heard. Positions harden. The conversation, if it happens at all, goes in circles and ends badly.
What the couples who do well learn to do is keep perpetual problems in dialogue rather than letting them become gridlocked. They talk about the same issues repeatedly, but without the same escalation. They make space for each other's position without requiring agreement. They repair quickly when things do escalate. And crucially, they don't let the unsolvable problems poison the parts of the relationship that are working.
Understanding this shifts how you experience conflict. An argument you've had before isn't necessarily evidence that something is wrong. It might just be a perpetual problem showing up again, one that needs managing, not solving. The question to ask isn't "why can't we resolve this?" It's "can we disagree about this in a way that leaves us both feeling respected?"
That's a learnable skill. Not an easy one, but a learnable one.
Written by Nichole Farrow
24 February 2026
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Read →CommunicationMoney arguments are rarely about money. They're about power, trust, security, and what happens when two people discover they've been operating on completely different assumptions without ever saying so out loud.
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Read →The Collective is where the real work happens. Courses, community, and monthly live sessions with Nichole and Ben.
